Dateless and Constipated

Have you ever been forced to chug a cup of warm prune juice? All because you were overly constipated from consuming an entire medium four cheese pizza and stuffing a row of vanilla creme cookies (generic brand) down your throat. Hey! It was cheat week damn it! I’ll be the first to tell you … that “fiberistic” juice will loosen everything (and I mean everything) in your “garbage disposal” aka stomach aka gut. Your stomach will start to speak in tongues and may catch the holy ghost like Sister Bertha at a black Baptist church. Hallelujah!

I drank my first cup of warm prune juice a week ago. And let me tell you, it was an experience. By the way, unlike most people, I love prunes (pit-less) and find the juice to be even more flavorful. It took less than an hour for the juice to hit the core. My stomach tried to resist the Mike Tyson-esque punch, but the juice was not having it. Unfortunately, I was still at work when the rumbling and the growling kicked in. I had 5 minutes left before I was to head home. My legs were shaking, my body started to tremble, sweat started to flow down my face, and my temperature rose to a menopausal level. I almost lost consciousness. I wanted to venture to the local Chipotle before retiring for the evening, but my out of nowhere “shart” ruined that entire idea of adding beans, hot salsa, and guacamole to the overstuffed “pipe.” When I finally reached home sweet home, I had to rush through the door, run up the stairs, and hop on the toilet before the explosion caused a state of emergency. The gas that erupted was like no other fart I’ve ever had the pleasure of releasing. I sat on the throne until I became numb from my waist down to my pinky toe.

I didn’t realize just how fast poop works (or shit works-whichever one comes first) once you give it that extra boost. My toilet is still trying to find the words to improperly curse me out.

This is truly how it feels to be dateless and constipated.

Yes My Dear, Women Fart Too

You may want to wear a gas mask while reading this post. I’m sure near the end you will smell a rather peculiar scent. Have you ever wondered how the hell a human can release such lethal toxins (into the air) from that miniscule hole between the cheeks of the buttock? I mean, that force of funk causes vibrations, sharp pains, burning sensations, unbecoming tunes, strange facial expressions, and smells that would clear a few rooms. Contrary to popular belief, the human fart is the best defense mechanism (against bratty children, obnoxious in-laws, nosey co-workers, and frenemies).

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A female fart is like no other bodily function. It’s like a “rumble in the Bronx” … It’s like a roar from a cowardly lion. Some men think women don’t “toot the horn” or “blast butt music.” Fellas, we can’t hold it in … we would explode only to be broken down into little women (with silent and deadly butt bombs).

Some women are too embarrassed or too ashamed to “let the gas out” … especially in the presence of their significant other. Honey, you better “rip the runway!” He’ll probably love you more … then again, he may leave your “stank” ass. Ha! Ha! Ladies, it’s natural and it’s okay to “poot.” It becomes a problem when you don’t. I mean the stench could exude through your pores (who wants to walk around smelling like day old gym socks or a loaded burrito that’s been sitting in your stomach for weeks). That daring and brave (I might add) “poot” could sneak out and leave a lingering odor (all eyes would be on you).

Yes my dear … Women fart too. Who are you going to call? Fart Busters? Let Go and Let Flow!