Rent No More … I Did It

So, on Monday, April 22, 2019, I turned in all of my keys and said a BIG and LOUD southern “FU” to rent. I was tired of giving away over $1000/mth for 4 walls (that didn’t talk to me when I needed them to) and experiencing sporadic episodes of depression. I felt as if I was locked in a prison cell with no hope for parole … one cell, one short/rusty toilet, and a toddler bed. Though I had many amenities and “things” that could change my mood (temporarily), I was still not happy. I wanted freedom to explore the unknown, meet like-minded wanderers, and travel like there was no end in sight.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m finally preparing myself for #vanlife. Living the new American Dream.

Yes My Dear, Women Fart Too

You may want to wear a gas mask while reading this post. I’m sure near the end you will smell a rather peculiar scent. Have you ever wondered how the hell a human can release such lethal toxins (into the air) from that miniscule hole between the cheeks of the buttock? I mean, that force of funk causes vibrations, sharp pains, burning sensations, unbecoming tunes, strange facial expressions, and smells that would clear a few rooms. Contrary to popular belief, the human fart is the best defense mechanism (against bratty children, obnoxious in-laws, nosey co-workers, and frenemies).

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A female fart is like no other bodily function. It’s like a “rumble in the Bronx” … It’s like a roar from a cowardly lion. Some men think women don’t “toot the horn” or “blast butt music.” Fellas, we can’t hold it in … we would explode only to be broken down into little women (with silent and deadly butt bombs).

Some women are too embarrassed or too ashamed to “let the gas out” … especially in the presence of their significant other. Honey, you better “rip the runway!” He’ll probably love you more … then again, he may leave your “stank” ass. Ha! Ha! Ladies, it’s natural and it’s okay to “poot.” It becomes a problem when you don’t. I mean the stench could exude through your pores (who wants to walk around smelling like day old gym socks or a loaded burrito that’s been sitting in your stomach for weeks). That daring and brave (I might add) “poot” could sneak out and leave a lingering odor (all eyes would be on you).

Yes my dear … Women fart too. Who are you going to call? Fart Busters? Let Go and Let Flow!

 

 

Dateless in Carolina: Bloggerivews Page NOW OPEN

Bloggerviews: Where I conduct interviews with men and women to discuss their experiences with past/present/future relationships, their dating adventures, their sex or sexless life, etc. Get ready for candid conversations and much-needed life lessons.

Click the Dateless in Carolina: Bloggerview page tab. Read and Scroll. Read and Scroll some more. Delve into the minds of other singles and couples. You may be rewarded with words of wisdom. Knowledge derives from the many formalites of life.

Make yourself at home. Put on a comfortable pair of pajamas, Play a little jazz to set the mood, Grab a glass (a bottle is recommended) of your favorite wine, Sit back, and Relax.

I Love You Jordan Knight

This morning I had the pleasure of revisiting my childhood crush through music. It’s true, music can send trembles through your body and cause a reminiscent rush of adolescent hormones. I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard his voice call me (well, not exactly) … his voice touched me though … it felt like a personal serenade. I literally hopped out of bed, grabbed the nearest hair brush, stood in front of my elongated mirror, and proceeded to sing a duet with Jordan Knight to one of the hottest songs of the late 80’s …. “I’ll Be Loving You Forever” by one of the most successful boy bands of all time … New Kids on the Mother Freaking Block. Ok, I can’t contain myself now, my inner preteen has been channeled …. SCREAMING!!! I must take you down memory lane.

 

I was 12 years old when I had my first ever boy band crush. I remember like it was yesterday (more like, last night in my dreams). I turned on my 13 inch color tube TV (had to use an antenna with foil on the ends) and there he was … the boy of my every daydream. The band of all boy bands had hit the scene all crispy and clean … New Kids on the Block and I was in love with Jordan Knight. I knew he was the one the moment I laid eyes on him. I wanted to marry him and be his Chewy Caramel Creme Sundae (without the nuts). We were going to live in Boston, MA with Joey McIntyre and my cousin Tiffany. We were going to have 10 kids … Jordan Jr., Jordan III, Jordan IV, Jordan V, Jorden, Jordache, Jordania, Jordana, Jordena, and Jorgena. And, live in a mansion with 2 dogs, a parrot, and a pet monkey. I had already picked out my wedding dress, our first song, and had the venue on speed dial.

I had all of the New Kids on the Block paraphernalia (posters, pins, stickers, a sleeping bag, phone, dolls, bags, books, cups, t-shirts, etc) including all of the teeny bopper magazines where they graced the cover. I even used to kiss Jordan’s poster (had him plastered on the wall in the center above my head board) at night before bed (and there were times he slept beside me). Can you say, OBSESSED CHOCOLATE GIRL?!?

When I saw this video for the first time, I almost passed out in the middle of the living room. I was officially a crazed and kooky fan. He was the first guy to ever (and still is …well, besides Adam Levine, Channing Tatum, and Morris Chestnut who are my present day heart-throbs ) to make me go ape shit every time I heard his voice or saw his face on the television screen. I STILL LOVE YOU JORDAN!! SCREAMS!!

I remember going to one of their concerts in Greenville, SC with my dad. We sat thousands of yards away, but when Jordan waved at the crowd on the left I knew it was meant for only me. Sigh … my 30 something year old self returns.

He’s still my future husband even as I continue to age oh so gracefully … I’m legal now Jordan, call me (803) HOT-FORU.

Know Your Worth

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t hear a woman complaining about her non-committal situation with a man (and sometimes with another woman). I’ve been there and often traveled down that non-committal road of temporary sexual satisfaction (mostly from him), frustration (not knowing where the “situationship” was going), anger (mostly because he didn’t text or call like he said he would), confusion (a part of me wanted to end it, but I didn’t want to be alone), trust issues (questioning his every move), blindness (purposefully ignoring the red flags or jumping over the roadblocks), and looking for love (looking for what I didn’t propose to myself).

I’m not feeding you any bull shit or trying to come off as a wailing bitch because “one man hurt me.” I speak from experience. I still don’t know it all, but my life experiences have taught me to be more on guard. I can honestly say, I stand as a woman who loves and appreciates herself.

If that complementary man was to fall from the sky and land on my doorstep (wishful thinking), I would be willing to share that love with him (never giving all of me … saving just enough for myself).

We often place ourselves in situations then blame the disastrous outcome on the other party. It’s not just the men … ladies, you play a major role in every sequel. Knowing your worth as a woman will open doors (not bedroom doors, but car doors, restaurant doors, museum doors … you get the picture). A woman’s worth is like a rare pearl just extracted from the shell of a mollusk … it is invaluable … it’s indissoluble … it’s the closest thing to the soul of a woman. A woman’s worth combined with a man’s courage may cause an out of body (or out of reality) experience.

Be a woman of stature! Know your worth!

Be Like an Animal

Be like an animal! Dare to be different. Wear your stripes with pride (Your flaws are the perfect imperfection), Roar like a Lioness (Be confident), and Extend your claws (Be fearless).

I’m often my own worst enemy. There are days that I wish I was taller, sometimes a little bit shorter, smaller in the waist, slimmer hips and thighs, more defined abdominal muscles, and had less of a pooch and rump-a-dacious curve in the back.

All things hoped for are not always the components that make us extraordinary or distinctive earth bound beings. Our external and internal “tattoos” or make-up define who we truly are and who we are/were meant to be.

Roar … Growl … Bark … Howl …  Hiss! BE LIKE AN ANIMAL! BE FEARLESS!

Single, Sassy, and Classy

I’m single, a little sassy, and classy. What more can a woman ask for or desire besides the obvious. I must be honest with you though, I’m a bit over strolling through Single Street with pedicured toes, hair blowing in the wind, and a walk that’ll stop traffic. Class Act

I want to travel the world with a man … a gentle, kindhearted, and fearless man. I want our souls to connect, our hearts to beat with one rhythm (his “lub” flows with my “dub”). I want our minds to be stimulated by words of intellect. I want our bodies to collide … to reach a point of an orgasmic overdose when we’re together or when we’re apart. I want to embrace his culture as he embraces mine.

I want to build a home with him (together we lay bricks and stones). I want to cook (preparing our favorite dish) for him while wearing only an apron and stilettos. I want to wash his back, I want him to kiss my neck, I want to heal his pain, his strife … wipe his tears (not only in the dark, but in the light).

I want us to take a stroll in the city hand in hand, side by side, and shoulder to shoulder while leading each other. I want others to feel the warmth of our flame … see the passion in our eyes. I want others to marvel our story of love in raw form.

Now, I’m slowly opening my eyes, only to realize, I still remain in this obscure reality. However, I’m learning (each and every day) that it’s possible to be single, a little sassy, and classy.