I’ve had my share of relationships, more like situations where I was giving a hell of a lot more than I was receiving. I was searching for love in all the wrong places … so cliché, but it fits the conundrum. You can’t make another person love you if you’re not a priority. I was too strung out on fairy tales … more like stoned off of relationship fallacies. I wanted a guy to fall in love with me … recognize my needs, fulfill my wants and desires, treat me like a natural-born princess, profess his love for me to the world, protect me, and provide a safe haven for my (once dilapidated) heart .
I used to buy gifts for these douchebags (cuddly teddy bears, flowers, clothes, watches, shoes, etc.), cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner (full course meals) for them, travel miles (before gas reached an all time high) just to spend quality time with them (South Carolina to the District of Columbia … South Carolina to Georgia … South Carolina to North Carolina … South Carolina to Florida … South Carolina to Some Other Unknown Far Away Small Town in the Carolinas), send messages of adoration, etc. My mind tried to warn me, but my heart wasn’t giving up on the fight between my love and his lust.
I recall praying and asking the Lord for His approval … I wanted Him to make the “douche” love me… make him/them adore me … want me. And when I assumed He didn’t hear my plea (my cry), I purchased a few self-help books (witchcraft and black magic) on casting spells. No judgement please! I wanted to create a love potion (Love Potion #9 on High-octane). I wanted to create a spell utilizing the whole Hocus Pocus … Abracadabra bull shit. And yes, I was serious. It was like I wanted to turn the toad into a prince.
Thank God I’ve matured and have gained ample wisdom to NOT do that
craziness shit ever again in this lifetime or any other time in the present or future … even after reincarnation when I come back as a douche. Ha! Ha! Revenge is such sweet sorrow. Ok, Ok … I’m only kidding.
Looking back … I didn’t allow the man to be the man. I was doing enough for the both of us. I felt as if I was a hermaphrodite during explicit encounters … hell, I was basically f-bomb(ing) myself. I lost a part of me … all of me. I gave what little love I had for myself to someone who cared much less. My reflection had more of a masculine form … my femininity was robbed. I was a part of his/their existence, while my own was confined (When you become them and they were never a part of you). I lost a portion of me … Damn near all of me.
There’s something about that Amazing Grace … How sweet the sound … that saved a wretch like me .. I once was lost, but now I’ve been found … Was blind, but now I see.
Never lose yourself or allow another being to rob you of your existence. Never relinquish your instinctive power … Live for you and not through the reflection of another.