Yes My Dear, Women Fart Too

You may want to wear a gas mask while reading this post. I’m sure near the end you will smell a rather peculiar scent. Have you ever wondered how the hell a human can release such lethal toxins (into the air) from that miniscule hole between the cheeks of the buttock? I mean, that force of funk causes vibrations, sharp pains, burning sensations, unbecoming tunes, strange facial expressions, and smells that would clear a few rooms. Contrary to popular belief, the human fart is the best defense mechanism (against bratty children, obnoxious in-laws, nosey co-workers, and frenemies).

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A female fart is like no other bodily function. It’s like a “rumble in the Bronx” … It’s like a roar from a cowardly lion. Some men think women don’t “toot the horn” or “blast butt music.” Fellas, we can’t hold it in … we would explode only to be broken down into little women (with silent and deadly butt bombs).

Some women are too embarrassed or too ashamed to “let the gas out” … especially in the presence of their significant other. Honey, you better “rip the runway!” He’ll probably love you more … then again, he may leave your “stank” ass. Ha! Ha! Ladies, it’s natural and it’s okay to “poot.” It becomes a problem when you don’t. I mean the stench could exude through your pores (who wants to walk around smelling like day old gym socks or a loaded burrito that’s been sitting in your stomach for weeks). That daring and brave (I might add) “poot” could sneak out and leave a lingering odor (all eyes would be on you).

Yes my dear … Women fart too. Who are you going to call? Fart Busters? Let Go and Let Flow!

 

 

I Love You Jordan Knight

This morning I had the pleasure of revisiting my childhood crush through music. It’s true, music can send trembles through your body and cause a reminiscent rush of adolescent hormones. I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard his voice call me (well, not exactly) … his voice touched me though … it felt like a personal serenade. I literally hopped out of bed, grabbed the nearest hair brush, stood in front of my elongated mirror, and proceeded to sing a duet with Jordan Knight to one of the hottest songs of the late 80’s …. “I’ll Be Loving You Forever” by one of the most successful boy bands of all time … New Kids on the Mother Freaking Block. Ok, I can’t contain myself now, my inner preteen has been channeled …. SCREAMING!!! I must take you down memory lane.

 

I was 12 years old when I had my first ever boy band crush. I remember like it was yesterday (more like, last night in my dreams). I turned on my 13 inch color tube TV (had to use an antenna with foil on the ends) and there he was … the boy of my every daydream. The band of all boy bands had hit the scene all crispy and clean … New Kids on the Block and I was in love with Jordan Knight. I knew he was the one the moment I laid eyes on him. I wanted to marry him and be his Chewy Caramel Creme Sundae (without the nuts). We were going to live in Boston, MA with Joey McIntyre and my cousin Tiffany. We were going to have 10 kids … Jordan Jr., Jordan III, Jordan IV, Jordan V, Jorden, Jordache, Jordania, Jordana, Jordena, and Jorgena. And, live in a mansion with 2 dogs, a parrot, and a pet monkey. I had already picked out my wedding dress, our first song, and had the venue on speed dial.

I had all of the New Kids on the Block paraphernalia (posters, pins, stickers, a sleeping bag, phone, dolls, bags, books, cups, t-shirts, etc) including all of the teeny bopper magazines where they graced the cover. I even used to kiss Jordan’s poster (had him plastered on the wall in the center above my head board) at night before bed (and there were times he slept beside me). Can you say, OBSESSED CHOCOLATE GIRL?!?

When I saw this video for the first time, I almost passed out in the middle of the living room. I was officially a crazed and kooky fan. He was the first guy to ever (and still is …well, besides Adam Levine, Channing Tatum, and Morris Chestnut who are my present day heart-throbs ) to make me go ape shit every time I heard his voice or saw his face on the television screen. I STILL LOVE YOU JORDAN!! SCREAMS!!

I remember going to one of their concerts in Greenville, SC with my dad. We sat thousands of yards away, but when Jordan waved at the crowd on the left I knew it was meant for only me. Sigh … my 30 something year old self returns.

He’s still my future husband even as I continue to age oh so gracefully … I’m legal now Jordan, call me (803) HOT-FORU.