Today, I celebrate the day of my birth. Today, I will commence my first entry into the final chapter of my 30’s. I can’t say it’s been the absolute best 9 years, but I will say, it’s been a whirlwind of many lessons and quite a few blessings. On this day, December 3rd, 2016, I will make this one of the best years of my 30’s … closing it out with a resounding “goodbye.” But first, Hello 39, with your beautiful self.
Hello October! Welcome back! Fall has kicked summer to the curb and ghost and goblins are upon us. Nature is in transformation while earth’s other inhabitants prepare for hibernation.
I love this time of the year … amazed by the beautiful and colorful foliage covering the ground and watching the leaves rustle/dance around with the wind, feeling the cool morning/evening breeze flowing through each strand of my hair, and sipping on a hot cup of “cinnamony” apple cider. I’m falling in love with fall all over again.
It’s a new season. I’m taking a venture on the road less traveled. The road with less tread … the road with less gravel. I’m preparing for a new phase … a new adventure away from dating. Yes, that’s right, I’m pressing hard on the pause button and may resume dating in the spring of 2017 … when daffodils and tulips are at full bloom. I’m taking heed to the words that were presented to me via my October horoscope (see below).
Thank you October for being my light in the midst of my darkness. I welcome you with open arms.
Dear My Rhythmic Heartbeat (aka The Healer to My Wounded Soul),
I adore you … I crave you though we never met in this life time … in this moment in time. I love you to Pluto (the moon seems too close) and back. I think about you daily even in the early hours of the morning while dusk is still in session. I miss you though I’ve never inhaled your fresh mountainy scent, heard your resonant voice, looked you in both of your eyes only to witness my soul being healed by yours or kissed your full lips (it’s your bottom lip nibble that seems to turn me on … damn). It’s the thought of you … the yearning for you. I want to inhale your happiness, mend your sadness, taste all of your glory … Mmm.
I want to capture each of your tear drops in the palm of my hand creating a mosaic river of both joy and disappointment. I want to listen to you as you talk me through your day’s journey. I want to walk hand in hand with you (our fingers interlocked forming one “great ball of fire”). I want to travel around the globe with you … one city, one country, one continent at a time … even swim the seven seas with you.
You are the light that shines when darkness lingers. You are truth as I am honesty. You are the voice when I become mute. You are the energy when I’m exhausted. You are the strength when I become weak. You are the faith when my beliefs are in question.
You are the center of my prayers at night. You are my thoughts during those days of unrest. You are the man handcrafted by the finest craftsman whom is not of this earth. You were selected by the universe just for me … one woman, one heart, one love to share with one man, his heart, his love.
I Love You My Healer, My Protector, My Friend, My Lover … My Forever.
Your Present & Your Future,
Your Displaced Rib
Yeah, I know I said I wouldn’t use “juvenilistic” acronyms or short hand text. But, “f” it, it will be used only (can’t guarantee at this point) during this vent. What the f@&k (oops, sorry, slip of the tongue) is wrong with the world of dating? It doesn’t seem to exist anymore. Some men (and women, I might add) are only looking to hook up … “F” and go. It’s like you’re at a drive thru … you order a large penis (without the bun as you’re watching your carb intake) or a juicy fat vajayjay with a side of no emotions. What happened to dating? What happened to courting? What happened to learning, loving, and eventually gaining a life mate?
Metaphorically speaking, I’ve traveled through dungeons, caves, wild animal traps, and swung from tree to tree with Tarzan … Ha! Hell, even thought I was a part of a lost scene in Game of Thrones (Khaleesi’s aka “mother of dragons” half sister on her Father’s side). Anywho, back to my vent … I don’t even think the men I’ve encountered (on dating sites, dating apps, in real world scenarios, etc.) are from this planet … they were probably rejects from Mars. I honestly think some meteorite crashed on planet Earth and its kryptonite sucked the life out of (some) men (and women) leaving them with toddler brains. It’s so disheartening when a guy asks for nudes and/or sends you an unwarranted photo of his junk with lint balls. Wait, I must add a little more iodized salt to the womb …. I once had a guy tell me he wears lipstick and nail polish (see screenshot below). I can’t make this shit up even if I wanted to. This and a hell of a lot more usually occurs after an introductory text as phone calls are nonexistent; at least in today’s world of reckless dating.
You know what, I’m going to sell all of my shit leaving nothing but a pair of spiked combat boots and several pair of (a female’s monthly favorites) granny panties (the ones with the holes and discoloration). This woman is heading to the nearest nunnery.
Sigh … WTF! Dating Sucks!
I feel like the rope in a game of tug of war … strength and looks can be deceiving. My dating life and the pursuit of finding a mate are at war… equally unbalanced. My emotions are caught in a never ending storm … damaging high winds, terrestrial rain showers, hail the size of tennis balls, thunder that roars like a lion in distress, and lightning that’s expelled from the hands of Mother Nature on her menses.
My dating struggles seem unbalanced … equally unyoked. Struggle is said to be the key that unlocks the deadbolt to irrefutable happiness. Struggle is said to be the escalating steps that lead you out of darkness. I’ve tried to light a candle in the midst of my struggle … in the pit of total darkness. But, darkness blew it out.
Lord, are you forwarding all of my calls (prayers) to voicemail? Universe, are you teaming up with Ashton Kutcher? I’m just saying, it’s hard to believe that I’m not on an unaired episode of Punk’d.
Damn it! This dating shit sucks! My dating life and my pursuit of finding a mate to my cringing soul is equally unbalanced, equally unyoked, and equally f@&ked!
My mind constantly drifts into the lands, castles, and bedrooms of fables, fairy tales, and fantasies. I find myself in a reverie … more like an erotic meltdown … sheets drenched from the tears of my fragile body. It has been years since I’ve had the pleasure of being pleasured. It has been years since I’ve had the desire to touch, feel, lick, suck, or even taste a man. It has been years since I’ve had the heart to share or love and be loved by someone else (including myself). But, it has only been a few moments of time in the present since I’ve yearned for him … his time, his commitment, his stress, his pain, his tears, his joy, his happiness, his masculinity … him nurturing the rib I cracked.
Is this a dream by night or a dream by day? Is this a figment of my imagination? Is this another generational folktale? Am I both the protagonist and the antagonist in this dry ass reality? I … I suppose … Thoughts are pillars of our reality … the stepping stones of unknown truths.
Fables, Fairy Tales, and Fantasies .. What’s your story?
Dear My Darkness,
I don’t even know where to start or even know where to begin … I just don’t want you to feel that it’s your end.
I’ve heard your cries, I’ve felt the tears run down your face as they seeped through the fabric of your existence. I’ve inhaled your anger, your pain, and your exhaustion. I’ve tasted every tear (poignant in nature as it pierced through my tongue) that fell on the palate … the plate of your frame. I heard every word you screamed (until the ringing in my ears was a constant echo) the other night … eerie and sacrilegious … “I f@@king hate you!” “I don’t want to be you anymore!”
As you stood in front of that elongated mirror the other day, you didn’t recognize your beauty, your strength, your wisdom, your hope, your freedom … But, I did. You felt as if you had lost your femininity. You felt as if your womanhood was stripped until you were unidentifiable … Until your gender was unclassified. In your eyes you were lost … You escaped from the prison of utter disappointment, the prison of a failed marriage and disintegrated relationships, the prison of jaded religions, the prison of financial ruin, the prison of another’s disorientation. And, some days you felt like a prisoner (on death row) trapped in your own body. You felt you had no where to go … Had no one to turn to .. Even felt God tuned His back on you. I traveled though the darkness with you; Even as I tried to lead you into my guiding light.
I too crave the love you one day hope for … the love that you one day inhale and undoubtedly exhale … the love that will be shared with your soul man. You yearn for the love that’ll Illuminate your heart. The heart that has lost its spark … The heart that has lost its beat … The heart that is enslaved by anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy, despair, and even deceit.
Yes, this world is a shit storm … Loose, hard, and vile shit flying in all directions. We will not lay dormant in a pool of foul fecal matter. We will not fear the fearful … We will not surrender to the hateful … We will not incarcerate ourselves until we “dry rot.” We will not be prisoners of our own war.
We made it 38.5 years together .. let’s continue this crossing of life together … This journey of resilience and discernment. I’ll hold your hand, I’ll walk with you … I’ll wade through the river of Jordan with you.
Life is a beautiful canvas … Colorful and limpid. We must use the brush of life and continuously paint with strokes to the left and paint with strokes to the right … there will be as many ups as there are downs. We must seek the light of a better day before darkness casts its grueling spell.
I love you … You’re my inspiration … You’re my protector as I am yours. You’re my soul sister … You’re my spirit animal. You are a survivor … You are me as I am you.
This is our new beginning my sister … You are the love of my life.
*If you know someone who has lost the map of life, please reach out to them, walk with them, talk to them (not at them), lend a helping hand. I hope to reach the masses with my letter of truth. It’s evident that in many communities, certain life elements are frowned upon and/or not discussed. We all must realize suicide is a disease (depression is the culprit). We must find a cure. Please share this letter as it could be one’s ticket to freedom.