Dateless While Female

Dating is a disaster. It’s like a Nightmare on Elm Street – Friday the 13th type of thing shit. Dateless While Female has become my own personal movement. I think I’m too “intoxicated by love” to handle the reality of my dating demise. When I was in my twenties, dating was a breeze … it was smooth sailing. Now, dating has become too much of a chore for some men and women … easier (for them) to swap pubes and saliva … then call it quits the next morning.

I haven’t been on a date in years (I speak of an actual date)-more like five years (he calls to ask if I’m excited-me not knowing he’s just right outside the door; he’s at my door with a smile so big I can strategically count all of his pearly white teeth; he searches through his dark blue jean pockets with trembling hands and presents me with a small trinket size box-I open it to discover a hand written note, Tonight, I will be made whole because you are my better half; he hugs me and tells me I smell so divine; we walk together shoulder to shoulder to his vehicle; he opens the passenger door and sitting on the seat is a single yellow rose-he doesn’t close the passenger side door until he can sense my comfort; he scurries to the driver’s side and opens the door; he sits down, looks me in the eyes,  and utters, “You are so beautiful” right before kissing me oh so softly on my blushing cheek; he turns the ignition;  he pushes the buttons on the radio and suddenly our favorite song blasts through the car speakers, and he and I are now dancing in our seats and doing the “robot”). Ha Ha! I’m “drunk” (more like infatuated with fairy tales and love spells) as shit (not literally, only figuratively).

I often look at my phone (many times turning it off and then back on … Hell, is this thing on?) in hopes of receiving a random sentimental message (Good Morning Beautiful, Sweet Dreams Baby, I Miss You, Thinking of You, Can’t Wait to See You, I Love You). I’ve never been kissed in 2014 (he looks me in the eyes before our lips make sweet, passionate love). I know you’re thinking, WTH (What the Hell)! Well, Correcto! I have not kissed (or been kissed) by any human of the opposite sex this year (2014) – only licked on (and in) the ear by my female dog.

I’ve slept in my queen size bed alone for the past four years (no spooning, no cuddling, no exchange of morning breath, no rubbing, no dry humping, no early morning touching, no forking). The only pleasure I receive comes from BIMH (pronounced ‘IM-HA’ … the B is silent) better known as my “Boo in My Head.”

I would be lying if I told you that being single is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Being in a “singleship” with oneself does have a few perks, but I would love to make a smooth transition into the next phase of my life (into a relationship). And, I would be lying my ass off if I told you I was happy for all those “friends” on social media (primarily Facebook) who deliberately uploads a stream of photos of themselves with their boo;  changes their status from single to in a relationship; or always including their significant other in every damn post (me and ___ are watching the game, me and ___ are enjoying our cruise around the world, me and ___ are so in love … blah, blah, blah). Ugh! Stop throwing it in my face! Who gives a flip!! Yes, I am jealous! Middle finger to the computer and the iPhone screen.

Picks up iPhone, dials 626-5463 (MAN-LINE), and speaks, “Universe, can you hear me now?”

I am truly hoping to change the domain of my blog site from “Dateless in Carolina to “Dating in (Insert State other than Carolina).”

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