Dateless and Constipated

Have you ever been forced to chug a cup of warm prune juice? All because you were overly constipated from consuming an entire medium four cheese pizza and stuffing a row of vanilla creme cookies (generic brand) down your throat. Hey! It was cheat week damn it! I’ll be the first to tell you … that “fiberistic” juice will loosen everything (and I mean everything) in your “garbage disposal” aka stomach aka gut. Your stomach will start to speak in tongues and may catch the holy ghost like Sister Bertha at a black Baptist church. Hallelujah!

I drank my first cup of warm prune juice a week ago. And let me tell you, it was an experience. By the way, unlike most people, I love prunes (pit-less) and find the juice to be even more flavorful. It took less than an hour for the juice to hit the core. My stomach tried to resist the Mike Tyson-esque punch, but the juice was not having it. Unfortunately, I was still at work when the rumbling and the growling kicked in. I had 5 minutes left before I was to head home. My legs were shaking, my body started to tremble, sweat started to flow down my face, and my temperature rose to a menopausal level. I almost lost consciousness. I wanted to venture to the local Chipotle before retiring for the evening, but my out of nowhere “shart” ruined that entire idea of adding beans, hot salsa, and guacamole to the overstuffed “pipe.” When I finally reached home sweet home, I had to rush through the door, run up the stairs, and hop on the toilet before the explosion caused a state of emergency. The gas that erupted was like no other fart I’ve ever had the pleasure of releasing. I sat on the throne until I became numb from my waist down to my pinky toe.

I didn’t realize just how fast poop works (or shit works-whichever one comes first) once you give it that extra boost. My toilet is still trying to find the words to improperly curse me out.

This is truly how it feels to be dateless and constipated.

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