Never Lose Yourself

I’ve had my share of relationships, more like situations where I was giving a hell of a lot more than I was receiving. I was searching for love in all the wrong places … so cliché, but it fits the conundrum. You can’t make another person love you if you’re not a priority. I was too strung out on fairy tales … more like stoned off of relationship fallacies. I wanted a guy to fall in love with me … recognize my needs, fulfill my wants and desires, treat me like a natural-born princess, profess his love for me to the world, protect me, and provide a safe haven for my (once dilapidated) heart .

I used to buy gifts for these douchebags (cuddly teddy bears, flowers, clothes, watches, shoes, etc.), cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner (full course meals) for them, travel miles (before gas reached an all time high) just to spend quality time with them (South Carolina to the District of Columbia … South Carolina to Georgia … South Carolina to North Carolina … South Carolina to Florida … South Carolina to Some Other Unknown Far Away Small Town in the Carolinas), send messages of adoration, etc. My mind tried to warn me, but my heart wasn’t giving up on the fight between my love and his lust.

I recall praying and asking the Lord for His approval … I wanted Him to make the “douche” love me… make him/them adore me … want me. And when I assumed He didn’t hear my plea (my cry), I purchased a few self-help books (witchcraft and black magic) on casting spells. No judgement please! I wanted to create a love potion (Love Potion #9 on High-octane). I wanted to create a spell utilizing the whole Hocus Pocus … Abracadabra bull shit. And yes, I was serious. It was like I wanted to turn the toad into a prince.

Thank God I’ve matured and have gained ample wisdom to NOT do that craziness shit ever again in this lifetime or any other time in the present or future … even after reincarnation when I come back as a douche. Ha! Ha! Revenge is such sweet sorrow. Ok, Ok … I’m only kidding.

Looking back … I didn’t allow the man to be the man. I was doing enough for the both of us. I felt as if I was a hermaphrodite during explicit encounters … hell, I was basically f-bomb(ing) myself. I lost a part of me … all of me. I gave what little love I had for myself to someone who cared much less. My reflection had more of a masculine form … my femininity was robbed. I was a part of his/their existence, while my own was confined (When you become them and they were never a part of you). I lost a portion of me … Damn near all of me.

There’s something about that Amazing Grace … How sweet the sound … that saved a wretch like me .. I once was lost, but now I’ve been found … Was blind, but now I see.

Never lose yourself or allow another being to rob you of your existence. Never relinquish your instinctive power … Live for you and not through the reflection of another.

2 thoughts on “Never Lose Yourself

  1. Yes, Hun I too have had the same experience. I think for me it comes from the old scripture “Do unto others as you would have done unto you”. However, when I treat men the way I would like to be treated ( gifts for no reason, breakfast in bed, sporadic trips, honest communication) I rarely get it in return. I must say there were 2 times when I was treated like a Queen I mean really spoiled, both times I walked away because I wasn’t ready (in my 20’s they were in their mid 30’s). Since being in my 30’s I haven’t been that lucky, guess it only strikes twice. Great Share! I’m sure so many women can relate.

    Like

    1. I was so fed up with the aforementioned. It was more of me giving and not realizing my worth. I can only blame myself for the mistreatment because I allowed it. Experience is the best teacher.

      Like

Express Yourself

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s